Feed Hungry People

This is a website dedicated to helping end world hunger. I am a huge fan of words and it works out perfectly that all I have to do is go to freerice.com and play word games. For every question I got right, ten grains of rice were donated to a third world country. It's pretty awesome and hardly takes up any time at all.


Ha! The best thing about it is they even have a foreign language section so you can brush up on some light Spanish, German, French, or Italian. Bad at chemistry? That's okay. You can tutor yourself on freerice.com. Geography, math, art...they have something for everyone! I love this site.


Do something nice for someone else today.

General Observations

I think that if plaid had a flavor it would be the same as Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  I have mentioned this to several people several times and 99 percent of the time they agree.  Sierra Nevada Pale Ale tastes like plaid.  I am not wrong.

I also think that the people from the Chia Pet corporation stole their jingle from the Sanford and Son theme song.  Sing it in your head.  Ch-ch-ch-chia...  Wa-wa-wa-wa-wah.  I wrote an email to Quincy Jones on more than one occasion to raise his awareness to the theft but his site continually rejected my attempts.  I hold no grudge.

Suburban Nightmare

Suburb Mom:  Hi.  I'm Kelley*.  I'm Samantha's* mom.

Me:  Hey.  I'm Wendy*.  Nice to meet you.

Suburban Mom:  I recognize you but I didn't know you had kids here.

Me:  (She probably didn't know about my kids because we've never spoken to each other before.)  Oh, yeah.  That one.  That one is mine.

SM:  Oh, he's cute.  I'm expecting another one.

Me and Mom #3:  Oh, congratulations!  That's great!  When are you due?

SM:  I'm due in April.  My husband is starting to travel for work and I'm so upset about it.  He is such a huge help.  I'm so lucky, I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Me:  Well, maybe he'll travel for a while and then he'll stop.  By then, you'll be so used to your routine when he's gone that you'll be disappointed he's not traveling.

SM:  So, do you have any more kids?

Other Mom:  No, but she wants five more.

Me:  Haha...no way!

SM:  (Shocked)  You don't want more?  Why not?

Me:  Because Max* is five now.  It's been too long.  Plus, I don't want to do the crying, the diapers, tired all the time, and, uuugh, the weight gain.  Consider me one and done.

OM:  One and done!  That's funny.

SM:  (To OM)  It was nice meeting you.  I'll see you later.

Since that day, SM has avoided me like the plague.  It's actually really entertaining to watch how hard she works at not walking too close for fear I might say "hi."  Don't worry, Kelley*, I won't.  I understand it's intimidating when young single moms are content with their children that they already have.  I need to quit scaring the moms of the suburbs.  I didn't realize I was a walking horror show.  Well, no, I did but I thought it had more to do with having nothing to wear.

I also thought it was funny how she offered up the news of her pregnancy EIGHT MONTHS BEFORE HER DUE DATE!  Then, there was the added pleasure of letting us in on how wonderful her husband is and how happy they are.  I don't normally consider it that odd, but since she is a total stranger...it's really fuckin' weird. I know I say the wrong thing in the majority of conversations I have, however, I'm not taking blame for this debacle.

It's going to take more than a pair of Uggs and faux self-importance to fit in with this crowd.

* -- indicates name changes.  I'm really into protecting people's privacy.  Or I don't remember names well.  It's up to you what to believe.

The Academy of Mediocrity

I started school almost five years ago for stenography.  The school just opened a few months before I signed up and it has been a work in progress since the inception.  A very long progression.  When I first started, I managed to have a 4.0 grade average for about the first year or so.  I was really into it.  I was 29 and had a baby the year before so it felt good to be getting out and bettering myself for our future.  Things have steadily declined since then.

Since I have been there, we have gone through maybe ten or 15 different teachers and I have noticed one constant among them.  It seems the more the students like and respect a teacher, the more likely they are to quit, get fired, or just not get the students that really need them on their schedules.  Instead, the school provides us with teachers who accuse us of being arrogant if we make suggestions to make the class more productive.  We also have teachers who yell at us for not doing as well as we should and when we ask to make up for papers that are really terribly written we are told, "No.  You had your chance.  My time is valuable."  Oh, and when I say yell, I am not exaggerating.  One of the teachers literally yells at grown adults.  It's absurd.

I understand about time being valuable.  I also understand about education being valuable as well.  We are paying thousands upon thousands of dollars to go to this trade school and I would think that makes us the investors.  I'm not sure how stocks and investing goes, but I would think if I gave my investment banker $10,000 to buy Microsoft and he decided to pull out of there and buy into Ikea without telling me, well, that might be considered bad business.  I think that these people think that because we are purchasing our education later in life that they have the right to treat us like we are second graders.  As a matter of fact, if I heard a teacher talk to my kindergartner the way some of my teachers speak to me I would pull him out of class and start the witch hunt.

I have been told to lead my class in a prayer.  I have been reminded in very loud and slow language that I am indeed taking an English class.  Apparently, there ARE stupid questions and I happen to ask them.  I politely told a teacher I felt that one of the exercises was doing a disservice to some of us who were behind and then was told maybe I need to go to a slower class.  After that, she stopped speaking to me for two months.  Yes, she DOES happen to be a grown adult.  I had another teacher who gave an assignment and when I turned it in, she decided to change it completely mid-quarter and yell at me saying I heard things the way I wanted to hear them.

I have never been so miserable having to report somewhere four nights a week in my life.  It is just so hard to care about making people happy when they live for making you frustrated and upset.  The best part about it all is that I got a call from a friend at an agency today saying that none of the new people can get hired in Pittsburgh right now and none of the people already reporting are making enough.  My teacher told me last night that I could definitely get a job in Indiana when I finish.  That's two states away.  The thing that keeps me going is at this point I am not doing it for myself anymore, I'm doing it for everyone around me.  I have made terrible mistakes in life but this is the one that I would never do again given the chance.  Here's to you ACRT!!

Since No One Will Ever Read This...

I read a lot of these celebrity gossip sites.  They are kind of indulgent and I don't go out very often so, well, this is how I roll.  I think I overdosed today.  I missed the MTV VMAs last night but the internet is abuzz with the story about Kanye West stealing the thunder from Taylor Swift.  We all know the story so I don't really want to talk about it but I'd like to say how I feel.

I feel like if I could make a list of people who I would like to cock punch, it would be predominantly famous people.  This list includes women and their imaginary cocks, too.

1. Kanye West -- just because it is so easy to desire punching his cock.
2. Angelina Jolie -- for being skinnier than the starving people she goes to visit.  You win, again, Angie.  You're the best at starving, too.
3. Natalie Portman -- I can't figure that one out.  All I know is if she had a cock, I would totally punch it.
4. Bono -- come on...
5. Madonna -- when you can admit to yourself that you're a total loser I will not punch your cock.  Until then, I will do it and then curse you with my worst British accent.  Those people have to be offended.
6. Gwyneth Paltrow -- not for the obvious, but for giving up on fashion.  Why??
7. All reality "stars" -- actors work really hard to be that narcissistic and you think you can just swoop in and be famous for being yourself?  I don't think so.
8. Brad Pitt -- you just have douchebag written all over you.
9. My angry neighbor that screams the F word at my mom every few months when our dogs bark for 30 seconds -- you're a fucker.
10. Other People's Kids -- I'm just not that into you.

I could go on but I don't feel like it anymore.  I know I will never get to dole out these punches but I promise that if I ever see any of these people the next time I'm in Hollywood, or Cannes, wherever; I will completely ignore them.  Put that in your celebrity crack pipe and smoke it.  Consider yourselves shunned Hollywood.

Supermom is a Lie!

I was just screwing around on the computer and saw a woman on Facebook was referring to herself as "Supermom."  I found it amusing that she listed all of her to-dos and then said she was supermom.  On the list of things to-do was go to the gym.  The last time I checked, going to the gym had absolutely nothing to do with parenting.  As a matter of fact, that is something that is done for the sole purpose of bettering one's self.  I could be wrong, but I am fairly confident my son doesn't really care if my thighs are bigger than before he was born.

I also think that packing your child's lunch and making their dinner doesn't make a mom "super" because it is basically performing a mandatory duty of motherhood.  That is, feeding your children.  Cooking dinner?  Buying dinner?  Whatever, we all have to eat.  Most of the time, I would think, that even if you are cooking for one person there is typically enough left over for an elementary aged child to eat.  Well, I guess Supermoms are far too busy to eat so they could consider nutrition a favor.

These women want to say that they are awesome because they work, they go to the gym, they make lunch and dinner, and they even squeeze in date nights with their husbands.  I have to wonder when in all of these busy activities are they managing to fit in parenting?  I mean, the term "parent" means a person who brings up and cares for another.  However, I know several women who are raising children in between work and socializing and it's started to bother me how much I'm seeing kids get left at home with everyone but their parents.

I am by no means throwing stones.  After I left my son's father, I came home to mommie's house and was well taken care of, to a fault.  I spent so much time home alone with my baby that when I went to my mother's house she just wanted to help me through a difficult time.  During that time, I was going to work two nights a week and going to school four days a week.  I started going out with friends and making up for time that I spent feeling lonely with an infant.  It was my Britney phase.  If any of you know single moms, then I'm guessing you have watched as they have a good time for a few months before they return back to normal.  It can get ugly.  I was well aware that I was not being very super at that time.

Anyway, the job of being a mom or dad isn't easy for anyone, but no one can really say that they are a "supermom."  I mean, we all have our children, and our lives are what we make them.  You do what you have to do and that is what makes you human.  Honestly, the parents that I respect the most these days are the ones willing to give up the big screen tv and the two extra bedrooms and live within their means so they are able to be home and be present for the children they chose to have.  I'm no prude by any means, but it's just so sad the direction that people are taking now.  Kids are the innocent little victims in today's indulgent life style and they're going to be major pricks as adults.

So the next time you hear someone say that they are a supermom, be sure to tell them, "Bitch, you're just doing your job!"

PTA? FU.

I joined the PTA last week. This was a decision I stewed over for a couple of months before finally giving in. It kind of went against my beliefs, however, in the end it was a decision made for my son, not me. It will be something to hold over his head as he gets older anyway, like childbirth. (He's only five and I have already told him that I went through immense pain for him.) I am thinking that guilt trip came from my Italian heritage that day. It rears its ugly head once in a while.

Anyway, this PTA stuff is so dorky it turns my stomach. They sent home a flyer, well, actually, about ten or 15 pages of info that we were to fill out and pay up. So there was a list of activities that we are lucky enough to sign up for and they actually, and completely seriously, said, "Work the game table at family night. You'll be like a cool celebrity wearing your money apron. The kids will love it." Oh, I'm sure they will. They will love it the same way I love seeing an old man with black socks and garters, or when my boyfriend sees a guy wearing cut-off jean shorts, or Jorts. It will be an early Christmas for sure.

That had to be written by the PTA genius that gave a speech one day to a crowd of parents about how effective and responsible they are for the good children of the school district. Since I am a space cadet, I didn't know the kids were supposed to be playing and having fun in the kindergarten classroom while we listened to the awful hour long sermon. My son sat with me through this whole presentation and not one person, not the V.P. of the PTA, nor the principal, or any of the other guest lecturers bothered to tell us he should be with the other kids. Clearly, I was there to draw pictures and play paper, scissors, rocks to entertain my son. Seriously. It was fate that this happened anyway; we got home and the nurse called to tell us they found a lice infested child in the kindergarten room and invited us for a comb-through. Thank God for the PTA.

I still have no idea why I signed up. I am guessing it's because I will go more unnoticed as the worst attended PTA parent, rather than the one who didn't join at all. My neighborhood, no, my school district is like a John Hughes movie. It's picture perfect on the outside and a well maintained, well kept secret disaster on the inside. The kids are pretty and well dressed, though, so that's all that really matters.

I was also thinking that it has to be the most organized, socially acceptable gossip network around. The minute my son screws up if I don't already know about it, it won't be long till I do. These tennis playing, SUV driving women have a larger, more effective network than Perez Hilton himself. The next 13 years could be the most annoying of my life. I think I am going to turn it around and be the Bad News Bear version of the PTA moms. It will be free entertainment.