Exhibits and Events

If you are looking for something fun to do this weekend with your kids and are in the Pittsburgh area, Howard Hanna is hosting a miniature golf outing and donating the proceeds to their favorite charity, the Children's Miracle Network.  It's being held at Cool Springs mini golf course and tickets are $10 a person.  It's a great way to spend the day, weather permitting, before it gets too cold and wet to leave the house.  There is a rain date in case the weather turns on us but I haven't looked into when that is.

I'm sure if you were interested in going you could call any of the Howard Hanna offices in the area and they could fill you in with further details.  I know I should have done more research but I just wanted to put it out there while I thought about it since it's only four days away.

Exhibits and Events

So this is the time of year when life gets a little more exciting.  There are events and exhibits to see all over town and the holidays are approaching.  Everyone seems to get out an enjoy life a little more in the fall...well, no, I seem to get out and enjoy life a little more in the fall.  My friend and I went to Phipps Conservatory last year for a night club event they hosted.  Every year, they turn the gardens into a night club equipped with a DJ and food from restaurants all over Pittsburgh.  It's a great night out where you get to walk around and mingle and take in the exhibit.  It's not a bar and you're not stuck at a table in a restaurant if you have energy you need to burn.

This October 22, a Thursday, it will be Club Casa.  The admission is $40 and they give you three drink tickets for the event.  Ishtar, a local band, will be playing their "belly-rock" for people to groove to as they take in the vibe of Phipps on a cool autumn evening.  Nice...  The art on display this year will be the sculptures of Hans Godo Frabel.  Garden glass art is the perfect backdrop for an urban night out in the gardens of Pittsburgh.

Sorry if that all came out as a little cheesy but I LOVE this event and I love Phipps Conservatory.  Actually, I love anything that gets me out of the suburbs.  The web address is down below if you want to check it out.  I obviously highly recommend it.

http://phipps.conservatory.org/exhibits-and-events/featured-event.aspx?eventid=254

And the Winner is...

There isn't much argument that Quentin Tarantino is an excellent writer/director.  However, most people agree that he is pretty much the worst actor alive.  I also agree, but recently while watching Little Nicky, I came to realize that Tarantino's cameo is Oscar worthy.  Okay, that statement was a bit extreme.  If you were to judge Dancing with the Stars by lack of experience going in and then the greatest improvement coming out, then Quentin Tarantino is to acting what Kelly Monaco was to "Dancing."

Self Help

My mom told me that I seem to be grouchy lately.  She's right.  I have been in a bad mood for the past 33 years and it's been punctuated with a few moments of fleeting happiness.  I am sick of tolerating people and I also have realized that maybe I just don't really care for others.  I basically enjoy my family, and the friends who I like the most are the ones that I know the least.  There's less room for disappointment and irritation that way.  The more I get to know most people the more I wish I didn't.

I like my son.  He's funny and sweet and generally well-behaved.  After I had him and he got old enough I also realized that I stopped liking other people's kids.  I have trained mine to be the kind of human being I like and can tolerate for extended periods of time.  There is yelling involved but not as much as when I am around other people's kids and all of the yelling I do inside my head.  Their kids haven't been trained by me, therefore, I usually don't like them.

I have spent several years trying to be nice and be in good moods for the benefit of other people.  When you do that they treat you worse.  I will still pretend to be nice, but just know that internally I am making fun of everyone, equally, and probably also working on a strong dislike for most of the public I have to associate with.  I think what I really want to do is stop discriminating against my friends and family and just start getting angry at them all whenever I feel like it now.  That way, when I decide to go ape shit on some unsuspecting stranger they can rest assured knowing I treated them like they were a part of my own beloved family.  That's special.

Gimme My Money

The latest trend in Hollywood gossip seems to be the subject of tipping.  Apparently, this Jane Adams person ran on a bill and then when her manager called in to pay the check they excluded a tip.  Oh, wait, no, no, she left a $3 tip.  It may as well have been nothing.  Although, in her defense, if I was a 40 year old actress and no one knew who I was, well, it might be a good idea to piss some people off.  It's less embarrassing than a sex tape.

Miley Cyrus is also making headlines for stiffing on a $70 takeout bill.  I mean, I would love to bash Miley, but I don't think takeout is the way to go.  She'll put some slutty pics up on the internet and we can all laugh at her again when that happens.  I'm sure her dad will be counseling her to do something inappropriate soon enough.

Anyway, I'm really not looking to spend time writing about more bad decisions made by the women of Hollywood as much as I just want to pay tribute to one great tipper.  He is famous, tipped incredibly, and treated his waitress, me, well.  Here's to you, Mr. Denis Leary.  He hung out at the nightclub I cocktailed at when I was 20 years old and gave me $150 on a $300 bill.  My uniform consisted of jeans, a t-shirt, and Dr. Marten boots.

Denis Leary will always remain one of my faves and it's pretty much for not being an asshole and giving a great tip.  That's all it takes, people.

Andy Dick

I had so much fun finding the Oz Witch clip that I decided to look for more funny stuff.  Andy Dick was one of my faves when I was younger and I looked and looked for this video a few years ago without finding it.  Today I did.  Andy needs to get a job soon because I am going through Dick withdrawal.

Have a Laugh

My roommate in Los Angeles worked on a parody that combined The Wizard of Oz and The Blair Witch Project.  He played the scarecrow and his name is Ron Repple, Jr.  He is one of the nicest people that I was lucky to be friends with in my short time out there and this video use to make me laugh until I cried.

Here's to you, Ronnie Repple!

Harvey Weinstein is a Big, Fat Asshole

Harvey Weinstein wrote a letter asking Hollywood to unite and sign a petition to keep Roman Polanski from being brought back to the States to face charges for raping a 13 year old girl in 1977.  Harvey Weinstein thinks that since Polanski endured living in a concentration camp and losing his mother to Auschwitz, then, losing his pregnant wife to crazy Charlie Manson and the gang that he should not be accountable for sodomizing a 13 year old girl that looked older than 13.

Yes, he did survive some terrible things but it doesn't make him special and it is a huge slap in the face to people who survived such horrible treatment and came out loving, caring people.  The people of Hollywood should be pissed, too, because they have been getting away with murder for a while now and some judge out there may think it's a good idea to make an example of someone soon.

Oh, and last I checked, feeding someone Quaaludes and booze, then raping them is still rape, Harvey.  Whether you are 13 or 75.  What the both of them really deserve is a bottle full of Rufies and a couple of big fat Hollywood dicks in their mouths to shut them up.

TGIFall

I spent the summer mildly depressed because I am so completely broke.  That's a lie; I was depressed about not having a closet full of awesome clothes.  I gained weight and summer clothes were more revealing than what I was hoping to wear.  That's a lie again.  Since I gained weight, my clothes were more revealing than I wanted them to be.

I couldn't help but notice that if you have nothing to wear in the summer you really have nothing to wear.  I think I made the mistake of giving away all of my summer clothes last winter.  I'm pretty sure I thought summer wasn't going to happen this year; it might be a passing fad, like the cell phone.

Anyway, my point is, fall is the best season for human kind to walk confidently in something that really makes a statement as to who they really are.  I don't have much in my closet but I have a few staples that will make me appear to have some cute outfits.  Skinny jeans.  You have to keep your ass under control for these but if you can do it they are a big bonus.  I have two pairs of boots that look nice and with skinny jeans I can show them off and people get to see I have some kind of taste.  Whether it's good or bad is up to the viewer.

Black turtle necks.  Conservative and terrific.  Black is slimming, which is great, especially in November through February.  When you wear black tops with cute jeans and all you need is to accessorize.  That is much cheaper than going out and buying an entire wardrobe so you just grab some cheap costume jewelry and a pair of flats.  They look great with some flared jeans, too.  And not to be forgotten are my two faves: scarves and handbags.  These two items are clutch in leading people to assume you have style and more than some concert tees and ripped jeans.  Two items more, in my case.

My goal is to embrace the few things that I do have to wear and enjoy my life.  I am the kind of person that can definitely get caught up in wanting more stuff and it's just depressing.  I realized recently that when the weekends come around and I'm home with my family that the clothes and things I wish for on the weekdays just don't matter to me.

I'm really not that vapid that I want to sit here and post about clothes.  I really just want to make a difference in the world.  So, if one person reads this and realizes they they, too, can trick themselves into thinking they do indeed have something to wear, then, I have accomplished my mission.

Feed Hungry People

This is a website dedicated to helping end world hunger. I am a huge fan of words and it works out perfectly that all I have to do is go to freerice.com and play word games. For every question I got right, ten grains of rice were donated to a third world country. It's pretty awesome and hardly takes up any time at all.


Ha! The best thing about it is they even have a foreign language section so you can brush up on some light Spanish, German, French, or Italian. Bad at chemistry? That's okay. You can tutor yourself on freerice.com. Geography, math, art...they have something for everyone! I love this site.


Do something nice for someone else today.

General Observations

I think that if plaid had a flavor it would be the same as Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  I have mentioned this to several people several times and 99 percent of the time they agree.  Sierra Nevada Pale Ale tastes like plaid.  I am not wrong.

I also think that the people from the Chia Pet corporation stole their jingle from the Sanford and Son theme song.  Sing it in your head.  Ch-ch-ch-chia...  Wa-wa-wa-wa-wah.  I wrote an email to Quincy Jones on more than one occasion to raise his awareness to the theft but his site continually rejected my attempts.  I hold no grudge.

Suburban Nightmare

Suburb Mom:  Hi.  I'm Kelley*.  I'm Samantha's* mom.

Me:  Hey.  I'm Wendy*.  Nice to meet you.

Suburban Mom:  I recognize you but I didn't know you had kids here.

Me:  (She probably didn't know about my kids because we've never spoken to each other before.)  Oh, yeah.  That one.  That one is mine.

SM:  Oh, he's cute.  I'm expecting another one.

Me and Mom #3:  Oh, congratulations!  That's great!  When are you due?

SM:  I'm due in April.  My husband is starting to travel for work and I'm so upset about it.  He is such a huge help.  I'm so lucky, I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Me:  Well, maybe he'll travel for a while and then he'll stop.  By then, you'll be so used to your routine when he's gone that you'll be disappointed he's not traveling.

SM:  So, do you have any more kids?

Other Mom:  No, but she wants five more.

Me:  Haha...no way!

SM:  (Shocked)  You don't want more?  Why not?

Me:  Because Max* is five now.  It's been too long.  Plus, I don't want to do the crying, the diapers, tired all the time, and, uuugh, the weight gain.  Consider me one and done.

OM:  One and done!  That's funny.

SM:  (To OM)  It was nice meeting you.  I'll see you later.

Since that day, SM has avoided me like the plague.  It's actually really entertaining to watch how hard she works at not walking too close for fear I might say "hi."  Don't worry, Kelley*, I won't.  I understand it's intimidating when young single moms are content with their children that they already have.  I need to quit scaring the moms of the suburbs.  I didn't realize I was a walking horror show.  Well, no, I did but I thought it had more to do with having nothing to wear.

I also thought it was funny how she offered up the news of her pregnancy EIGHT MONTHS BEFORE HER DUE DATE!  Then, there was the added pleasure of letting us in on how wonderful her husband is and how happy they are.  I don't normally consider it that odd, but since she is a total stranger...it's really fuckin' weird. I know I say the wrong thing in the majority of conversations I have, however, I'm not taking blame for this debacle.

It's going to take more than a pair of Uggs and faux self-importance to fit in with this crowd.

* -- indicates name changes.  I'm really into protecting people's privacy.  Or I don't remember names well.  It's up to you what to believe.

The Academy of Mediocrity

I started school almost five years ago for stenography.  The school just opened a few months before I signed up and it has been a work in progress since the inception.  A very long progression.  When I first started, I managed to have a 4.0 grade average for about the first year or so.  I was really into it.  I was 29 and had a baby the year before so it felt good to be getting out and bettering myself for our future.  Things have steadily declined since then.

Since I have been there, we have gone through maybe ten or 15 different teachers and I have noticed one constant among them.  It seems the more the students like and respect a teacher, the more likely they are to quit, get fired, or just not get the students that really need them on their schedules.  Instead, the school provides us with teachers who accuse us of being arrogant if we make suggestions to make the class more productive.  We also have teachers who yell at us for not doing as well as we should and when we ask to make up for papers that are really terribly written we are told, "No.  You had your chance.  My time is valuable."  Oh, and when I say yell, I am not exaggerating.  One of the teachers literally yells at grown adults.  It's absurd.

I understand about time being valuable.  I also understand about education being valuable as well.  We are paying thousands upon thousands of dollars to go to this trade school and I would think that makes us the investors.  I'm not sure how stocks and investing goes, but I would think if I gave my investment banker $10,000 to buy Microsoft and he decided to pull out of there and buy into Ikea without telling me, well, that might be considered bad business.  I think that these people think that because we are purchasing our education later in life that they have the right to treat us like we are second graders.  As a matter of fact, if I heard a teacher talk to my kindergartner the way some of my teachers speak to me I would pull him out of class and start the witch hunt.

I have been told to lead my class in a prayer.  I have been reminded in very loud and slow language that I am indeed taking an English class.  Apparently, there ARE stupid questions and I happen to ask them.  I politely told a teacher I felt that one of the exercises was doing a disservice to some of us who were behind and then was told maybe I need to go to a slower class.  After that, she stopped speaking to me for two months.  Yes, she DOES happen to be a grown adult.  I had another teacher who gave an assignment and when I turned it in, she decided to change it completely mid-quarter and yell at me saying I heard things the way I wanted to hear them.

I have never been so miserable having to report somewhere four nights a week in my life.  It is just so hard to care about making people happy when they live for making you frustrated and upset.  The best part about it all is that I got a call from a friend at an agency today saying that none of the new people can get hired in Pittsburgh right now and none of the people already reporting are making enough.  My teacher told me last night that I could definitely get a job in Indiana when I finish.  That's two states away.  The thing that keeps me going is at this point I am not doing it for myself anymore, I'm doing it for everyone around me.  I have made terrible mistakes in life but this is the one that I would never do again given the chance.  Here's to you ACRT!!

Since No One Will Ever Read This...

I read a lot of these celebrity gossip sites.  They are kind of indulgent and I don't go out very often so, well, this is how I roll.  I think I overdosed today.  I missed the MTV VMAs last night but the internet is abuzz with the story about Kanye West stealing the thunder from Taylor Swift.  We all know the story so I don't really want to talk about it but I'd like to say how I feel.

I feel like if I could make a list of people who I would like to cock punch, it would be predominantly famous people.  This list includes women and their imaginary cocks, too.

1. Kanye West -- just because it is so easy to desire punching his cock.
2. Angelina Jolie -- for being skinnier than the starving people she goes to visit.  You win, again, Angie.  You're the best at starving, too.
3. Natalie Portman -- I can't figure that one out.  All I know is if she had a cock, I would totally punch it.
4. Bono -- come on...
5. Madonna -- when you can admit to yourself that you're a total loser I will not punch your cock.  Until then, I will do it and then curse you with my worst British accent.  Those people have to be offended.
6. Gwyneth Paltrow -- not for the obvious, but for giving up on fashion.  Why??
7. All reality "stars" -- actors work really hard to be that narcissistic and you think you can just swoop in and be famous for being yourself?  I don't think so.
8. Brad Pitt -- you just have douchebag written all over you.
9. My angry neighbor that screams the F word at my mom every few months when our dogs bark for 30 seconds -- you're a fucker.
10. Other People's Kids -- I'm just not that into you.

I could go on but I don't feel like it anymore.  I know I will never get to dole out these punches but I promise that if I ever see any of these people the next time I'm in Hollywood, or Cannes, wherever; I will completely ignore them.  Put that in your celebrity crack pipe and smoke it.  Consider yourselves shunned Hollywood.

Supermom is a Lie!

I was just screwing around on the computer and saw a woman on Facebook was referring to herself as "Supermom."  I found it amusing that she listed all of her to-dos and then said she was supermom.  On the list of things to-do was go to the gym.  The last time I checked, going to the gym had absolutely nothing to do with parenting.  As a matter of fact, that is something that is done for the sole purpose of bettering one's self.  I could be wrong, but I am fairly confident my son doesn't really care if my thighs are bigger than before he was born.

I also think that packing your child's lunch and making their dinner doesn't make a mom "super" because it is basically performing a mandatory duty of motherhood.  That is, feeding your children.  Cooking dinner?  Buying dinner?  Whatever, we all have to eat.  Most of the time, I would think, that even if you are cooking for one person there is typically enough left over for an elementary aged child to eat.  Well, I guess Supermoms are far too busy to eat so they could consider nutrition a favor.

These women want to say that they are awesome because they work, they go to the gym, they make lunch and dinner, and they even squeeze in date nights with their husbands.  I have to wonder when in all of these busy activities are they managing to fit in parenting?  I mean, the term "parent" means a person who brings up and cares for another.  However, I know several women who are raising children in between work and socializing and it's started to bother me how much I'm seeing kids get left at home with everyone but their parents.

I am by no means throwing stones.  After I left my son's father, I came home to mommie's house and was well taken care of, to a fault.  I spent so much time home alone with my baby that when I went to my mother's house she just wanted to help me through a difficult time.  During that time, I was going to work two nights a week and going to school four days a week.  I started going out with friends and making up for time that I spent feeling lonely with an infant.  It was my Britney phase.  If any of you know single moms, then I'm guessing you have watched as they have a good time for a few months before they return back to normal.  It can get ugly.  I was well aware that I was not being very super at that time.

Anyway, the job of being a mom or dad isn't easy for anyone, but no one can really say that they are a "supermom."  I mean, we all have our children, and our lives are what we make them.  You do what you have to do and that is what makes you human.  Honestly, the parents that I respect the most these days are the ones willing to give up the big screen tv and the two extra bedrooms and live within their means so they are able to be home and be present for the children they chose to have.  I'm no prude by any means, but it's just so sad the direction that people are taking now.  Kids are the innocent little victims in today's indulgent life style and they're going to be major pricks as adults.

So the next time you hear someone say that they are a supermom, be sure to tell them, "Bitch, you're just doing your job!"

PTA? FU.

I joined the PTA last week. This was a decision I stewed over for a couple of months before finally giving in. It kind of went against my beliefs, however, in the end it was a decision made for my son, not me. It will be something to hold over his head as he gets older anyway, like childbirth. (He's only five and I have already told him that I went through immense pain for him.) I am thinking that guilt trip came from my Italian heritage that day. It rears its ugly head once in a while.

Anyway, this PTA stuff is so dorky it turns my stomach. They sent home a flyer, well, actually, about ten or 15 pages of info that we were to fill out and pay up. So there was a list of activities that we are lucky enough to sign up for and they actually, and completely seriously, said, "Work the game table at family night. You'll be like a cool celebrity wearing your money apron. The kids will love it." Oh, I'm sure they will. They will love it the same way I love seeing an old man with black socks and garters, or when my boyfriend sees a guy wearing cut-off jean shorts, or Jorts. It will be an early Christmas for sure.

That had to be written by the PTA genius that gave a speech one day to a crowd of parents about how effective and responsible they are for the good children of the school district. Since I am a space cadet, I didn't know the kids were supposed to be playing and having fun in the kindergarten classroom while we listened to the awful hour long sermon. My son sat with me through this whole presentation and not one person, not the V.P. of the PTA, nor the principal, or any of the other guest lecturers bothered to tell us he should be with the other kids. Clearly, I was there to draw pictures and play paper, scissors, rocks to entertain my son. Seriously. It was fate that this happened anyway; we got home and the nurse called to tell us they found a lice infested child in the kindergarten room and invited us for a comb-through. Thank God for the PTA.

I still have no idea why I signed up. I am guessing it's because I will go more unnoticed as the worst attended PTA parent, rather than the one who didn't join at all. My neighborhood, no, my school district is like a John Hughes movie. It's picture perfect on the outside and a well maintained, well kept secret disaster on the inside. The kids are pretty and well dressed, though, so that's all that really matters.

I was also thinking that it has to be the most organized, socially acceptable gossip network around. The minute my son screws up if I don't already know about it, it won't be long till I do. These tennis playing, SUV driving women have a larger, more effective network than Perez Hilton himself. The next 13 years could be the most annoying of my life. I think I am going to turn it around and be the Bad News Bear version of the PTA moms. It will be free entertainment.

You Bastard

I read a conversation on the internet between a couple of people the other night and they were talking about the "slow clap", a feature film darling. We're all familiar with the scene in any dramatic moment where someone starts the sloooow clap for our hero, the underdog. The movie they were discussing with great fondness was Lucas. Lucas was made in 1986 and has had several followers in the trademark slow clap. I considered listing them but that's not where I'm going with this so maybe another time.

When it happened in tonight's film it almost immediately ruined the movie for me. It was one of those cliche moments on celluloid that simply made me feel like I was going to vomit. I felt embarrassed that they went there. More embarrassed than when I just wrote "went there." Anyway, it made me think of all the other horrible moments watching other movies that make use of revolting cliches in dialogue or just the physical act of doing _____. You can fill in the blank. I did in the first paragraph with the sloooow clap.

The British like to say, "You bastard." Bastard is pronounced "baaastaad" in British. Well, that is the closest I could come to figuring out how to spell the British version. They beat that tiny two word phrase like a dead horse. Rent some quirky British movies and you will see for yourself. You can also choose to trust me; I love film. I'm fairly sure if Austin Powers said it, it's a British thing. On a side note, I am in no way a fan of Austin Powers, I was just making a point.

Moving on...anytime you watch a movie featuring black actors they, at one point, always refer to his or her "black ass." Ernie Hudson did it in Ghostbusters. The character was "Winston Zeddimore" and I couldn't find the exact quote but he refers to his ass as "my black ass." Not as funny as, "I have seen shit that'll turn you white", however, clearly written by a nerdy white guy that wishes he could talk about his white ass but knows deep down it would be totally lame if he did.

Those were just a few examples but if you have any you would like to share, the comment section is always open for interjection. Oh, and let's not forget the kids who we'd all secretly love to punch in the face; the kids that are anywhere from four and a half to ten years old that talk like a 30 year old film school grad. Sickening...

I Love Uggs!

ROAD RAGE

I spend a lot of time getting angry. My boyfriend alleges that I can't help it as it is a part of my heritage. I am Italian enough for him to consider me Italian. I think of myself as American but that is for another time. Cars have always been a huge source of rage for me. When I was in grade school, there was a car called the Eagle. I became so obsessed with my hatred for the Eagle that every time I was out in the car with my family I would count how many I saw that day. The hate came from a purely aesthetic standpoint; I thought it was the ugliest fucking car on the road and it really pissed me off that I had to look at them.

In high school, I transitioned my hate into a deeper, more socially acceptable kind of anger. Cadillacs were the most shameful cars on the road. I was smart enough to know it wasn't the car itself as much as the asshole behind the wheel. Every time I was pissed off in traffic because someone was committing a completely stupid or selfish violation it was always an asshole in a Cadillac. The Cadillac only has two or three demographics that actually purchase these cars so instead of singling any one group out I had to blame the Cadillac itself. I will say that any random person who is not a typical Cadillac driver could get into one and probably instantly turn into a puckered sphincter and immediately pull right into the middle of the dotted yellow lines and just hang the fuck out.

In the past few years, I decided to let go of the Cadillac issue I had and exchange it for the intense rage I feel towards the drivers of BMWs. Oh my God, these have to be the most self important, solipsistic pricks that exist. At least the assholes in their Cadillacs drove slow while endangering the lives of others. The BMWs, though, belong to the people who think it's really hip and cool to drive 90 miles per hour through a school zone because, well, because they can.

Ten Cars/Drivers That Should be Terminated

10. The Eagle (Nostalgic reasons only)
9. Soccer mom in minivan (We get it...you don't have sex with your husband anymore.)
8. Volkswagen microbus with save the environment stickers (You know you are not saving shit and you are the biggest hypocrite out there.)
7. Americans in American cars -- Post Bail-Out (You are a conformist asshole and you deserve the shitty health care that you most likely support.)
6. Any hatchback (There just so ugly.)
5. Any SUV knock-off resembling a box (You want an SUV while still being able to criticize people who drive SUVs. Your brain is a box...of cement.)
4. Cadillacs (Already Established)
3. All passengers of noted cars (You need to go to a meeting because you are enabling poor decision making.)
2. Moms in GIANT SUVs (You are a bitch and you drive like one. I would punch you in the face if I weren't so mellow.)
1. BMWs (You know who you are...fuck you.)

God Bless You All

When I was young, my mom was at a department store and she sneezed. A gentleman behind her said, "You better bless yourself because nobody else here is going to do it." When she told me the story later, I decided that I would bless her and every other lonely person out there whenever they sneezed. It doesn't take much energy so it is easy enough to do and it usually gets a pretty thankful response. People take sneezing very seriously.

A few years ago I met a girl from Africa and she couldn't believe people actually gave blessings for sneezes. We explained why we did it and she explained that they just say, "Excuse me." That made sense to me. We burp or cough and say "excuse me" so why not just do it after we sneeze? I kept on blessing anyway.

About a year after that, I met my boyfriend. He NEVER blesses. At first, I considered making the lack of blessing me after my near-death experience a deal breaker but I was smitten so that was absolutely not going to happen. It's been two years and he still doesn't say it and I really couldn't care less.

I no longer think it is necessary to bless every one I encounter. First of all, it feels good to sneeze. It feels good to poop and to have sex, yet we don't insist on blessing everyone after they do those things. Even if you weren't in agreement that it feels good, it is, at the least, a relief. If you really want to bless someone who had a near death experience, bless someone that just gave birth, bless someone who had to talk to my ex-boss and had to endure his breath, bless my ex's girlfriend.

Next, the person who is sneezing is usually kind of gross. They are emitting snots and/or germs into our airspace and, well, I don't really believe that they almost died by way of sneeze. I could see if one were to fall over or hit their head mid-sneeze; that might warrant a blessing.

This also brings up endurance. Have you ever tried blessing a person with allergies? Uuugh...I'd rather chew broken glass than go through that with someone in the middle of spring allergies. You could say it 20 times and who really wants to keep saying thank you over and over in the midst of feeling like their head is exploding? No one, that's who.

Third, and this might be last, unless you are a Rabbi or a Priest, I really don't see how any of us are even qualified to give blessings anyway. Don't argue "gesundheit" because that is German and Yiddish for "in good health." Wishing someone good health is not as bold as actually giving them God's blessing.

"Hey, I bid you good health!"

~OR~

"Hey, since God isn't here, I am going to bless you on his behalf."

See...two way different things. I will rest my case.

Cash Only?!

I walked into three different eating establishments today to get a few gyros after a long day at the Science Center. Science is everywhere! Anyway, I had about $15 in my account and I wanted to get lunch for my cousin so we tried a few places.

Eatery #1...I ordered the food and the woman said they didn't take debit cards. When I went to use the ATM it was increments of $20 only, plus the $1.75 fee from the business and my bank. For about a 30 second time period I willing to do it, just give away money during a recession. It felt worth it because I was buying lunch for someone else. Okay, so I tried and then I failed. I didn't have enough cash in my account. I told the people to stop making our lunch and we left.

We moved on to place #2, which was cash only again. I got pissed off. Don't worry, I wasn't mean to anyone, that's not my style. Instead, I bitched and moaned to myself for a little bit and then went somewhere that took debit cards. The best part is, I went home and grabbed some cash from my dresser and then went and picked up the food. I'm an asshole, I realize that, however, most of my actions I base on general principle so it always makes sense to me.

My beef with the cash only thing is that these "restaurants" are supposed to be there for a nice meal, convenience, and, as a patron, you are supposed to be taken care of. At least that's the way I think, but maybe that's because I was a waitress for 15 years...off and on.

I don't think I am going to support cash only businesses any longer. I don't think that as the consumer I should be responsible for paying the fee for the private ATM. That would be in exchange for the owner just paying their Visa/Mastercard bills because they are the business owner. Instead, these people want you to come in and pay for your meal/drinks, tip, and pay them a $2.00 ATM fee because they are cash only.

I have never minded paying for overpriced food and drinks because I always thought I was paying for the ambiance. What kind of ambiance is taking dirty money from a bulky ATM machine sitting next to someone eating their lunch and paying a fee for tacky business sense? Uuugh...that's it. You might as well bus your own table while you're at it. You are supporting and encouraging white trash. Enjoy!

People Are Stupid

So recently here in Pittsburgh we had the misfortune of a shooting spree. It was awful. A few people died and several more were injured. Very sad. Apparently, some lonely man who was socially awkward was pissed he couldn't pick up women so he decided to shoot them instead. He walked into the local gym and turned off the lights and unloaded on an aerobics class.

I am not going to get into how sad it is because it's pretty obvious that it's sad. No one really needs my commentary on grief.

Here is where it becomes irritating. Irritating to me, and disrespectful to the dead...and anyone who can hear...or read. I am a member of Facebook. Aaah, the Facebook family. What a bunch of assholes. A major disaster happened in our suburbs and every single person who owns a computer is posting their condolences and thoughts.

They are all telling each other how terrible it is that this happened and they cherish their life and family so much more today than yesterday. They are so grateful for life that instead of living it by spending time with their kids, parents, or friends or picking up a book and learning about some subject they have chosen to be ignorant about, they all are hovering in the dark over their computers.

My favorite are the people who claim they almost went to the gym that night. Oooh, you thought of going to the gym. Well, you didn't and you're alive and someone else is dead. Consider yourself a thief because you just stole the thunder of three women who are no longer alive. They were murdered and you are acting like you were one number off in the Powerball. You lucky duck, you.

Here's a news flash, jerks; we walk among murderers, rapists, child molesters, arsonists, all walks of life everyday so it really isn't a shock that you were in a room with a murderer. Leave the storytelling to the people who left the gym as he walked in, or the pregnant aerobics instructor who was shot in both shoulders. People are grieving and in shock, if you want to be respectful and were anywhere but that specific place where this happened, do everyone a favor and live your own life. Take your kids to the park, download some music, do anything but try and make it about you.

I Love My Dog!

We had a bit of a debate tonight and it got pretty heated for a minute there. I got so flustered that I told my mother's boyfriend he was an idiot. I don't really think that as much as I just couldn't think of any kind of reasonable argument to make my point clear to him; I really do love my dog. His theory/belief, whatever you would call it is that we, humans, are incapable of loving animals because they are inferior to us. People cannot love a Mercedes Benz, they cannot love flowers, they cannot love cashmere socks, they cannot love their beloved cats and dogs.

I feel guilty leaving Dudley home alone. Sometimes we snuggle together and I sleep in horribly uncomfortable positions so he can lay on my bed...while I have the flu. I have spent my last $20 on dog food, I buy him cheeseburgers from Wendy's, yet even after all of this, I am told that what I feel is not love. I had a boyfriend when I got Dudley and to be quite honest, I loved that puppy so much that there just wasn't enough room for loving the boyfriend anymore. The dog was better. He was more likable, more loyal, cuter, and all around better at existing.

I asked about people loving other people who may not be able to take care of themselves because they could be considered as an inferior being, but his response was that we can love anyone that is the same species just no one of an inferior species. So, if we met space aliens who were superior to us but not human could we love them? If so, then I think that would just make us pretentious assholes, which we already are so I think I win. People who own pets are thought to live longer and be less prone to depression. What about seeing eye dogs? If I were to ask a blind person if they loved their seeing eye dog I wonder if they would say yes or no. Oh, ask a police officer with a canine dog if he realizes that he doesn't love his dog. I bet that would be a really fun and healthy debate.

I'm not buying it. This is a subject that will require much more research, and, yes, mom's bf has a dog that he clearly doesn't love. I didn't win tonight's battle but I know in my heart that I am the real winner because I can love a dog. I'm just not "in love" with my dog.

Who Doesn't Love a Wedding?

I went to a wedding this weekend to assist my friend who is a dj. The wedding was at a really cool barn outside of the city and was about and hour away. As the crowd started to show up I couldn't help but notice the casual attire on some of the guests. One girl, for instance, thought it was appropriate to wear a jean skirt that was shorter than the length of the front interior pockets. I saw some khaki jeans in attendance, which weren't to be outdone by the crowning glory...(try hard to picture this), a short sleeved, purple-cotton t-shirt, black skinny jeans, and black Chuck Taylor's, aka, Converse All-Stars. Luckily, the jeans covered the "All Star" patches. I'm guessing it's not because she knew it was false advertising.

I kid you not, if someone showed up at my wedding dressed this way they would be immediately sent home and taken off my Facebook friend list. I'm serious. I don't think it's a bridezilla issue as much as, well, a wedding is a wedding. Just because not everyone can afford a $26,000 wedding, (the average rate in Pittsburgh in '07) doesn't mean that their guests have the right to treat it like they're meeting for a smoke in the alley before gym class. I don't know, maybe I'm just more traditional than I thought.

The worst part about this crappy little story is that's pretty much all there is to it. You would think that since one guy was wearing a Harley Davidson button down and ZZ Top showed up and got out of the car with two cans of beer that there would be some good stories. Lamest wedding ever. They stood at the bar drinking and smoking the whole time and only decided to dance the last half hour of the reception. Thank the Lord that there were kids there to make it appear as if someone was having fun. The bride danced to maybe four songs at her own wedding.

The biggest surprise of the night was when I looked at the list of music preferences, there was just one rule; No Kid Rock. Who'd have thought?! It took us 12 minutes to break down the dj equipment and get the hell out of there.

Pizza Sucks

I went on Bitter Waitress today thinking I would post to all the other angry servers out there my latest experience in the restaurant battlefield but I couldn't get into the Shitty Tipper Database and War Stories page. That pretty much screwed up my whole day.

I was fired in March for the first time. Ever. I'm 33 years old and have been working since I was 15, maybe 16; that's a pretty good length of time to never get fired. So I have all of this anger built up over it. For instance, I wish the restaurant would go through an epic fail and then, maybe the owner who fired me would get some more young waitresses pregnant, and the teeth already rotting from his mouth would fall out. Basically, everything that anyone wishes on someone they hate.

His teeth are so gross. They look like you could take your fingernail and scratch the plaque off and maybe there would be white enamel underneath. How can someone look at that mess in the mirror everyday and do nothing about it? If you are narcissistic enough to spend over $100,000 on BMWs and take up jogging for a few weeks every few years, why can't you brush your fucking teeth? It's disgusting. And when teeth appear gray, the breath behind those teeth...well, let's say you can smell how long it took for that breath to travel from the 9th circle of Hell to escape that awful vessel.

This guy owns a restaurant in the neighborhood where I live. I worked there for almost 8 years. He had kids with a friend of mine who was also a waitress there briefly. I guess he thought it was a great idea to start fucking her best friend a month after he moved out of their house. So, I spent the better part of a year listening to the two of them tell me about sleeping with him, confusion about their relationships, and how he wanted more children with one and a whole new gaggle of babies with the other. Time well spent, right?

Shockingly, I managed to be pretty diplomatic for that year and keep all these dirty secrets for him. (I'm a single parent and I REALLY needed my job.) I finally screwed up. I got a text message from a lesbian in NYC asking me if HER GIRLFRIEND slept with Satan's Breath, too. Wow. I slipped and, because it seemed so absurd at the time, I told the girl with the two kids. She went ape shit on him and he let me hang out for a few weeks. I think that's because I was going to NYC with his other girlfriend and one of the managers so he didn't want to ruin their trip. The next weekend he approached me and said, "Hey, I hired someone to cover your shifts; tonight was your last night."

I left relieved and embarrassed. I knew I should never have mentioned the lesbian text but I was finally off the hook. The best part is, I told everyone that asked the truth about why I thought I was fired and he told everyone, including Unemployment, that I just wouldn't work more shifts. He wanted three and that's what I worked.

He recently switched his business to cash only and is being audited. I guess he won't be alleging to have spent that cash on aesthetic self improvements.