My mom told me that I seem to be grouchy lately. She's right. I have been in a bad mood for the past 33 years and it's been punctuated with a few moments of fleeting happiness. I am sick of tolerating people and I also have realized that maybe I just don't really care for others. I basically enjoy my family, and the friends who I like the most are the ones that I know the least. There's less room for disappointment and irritation that way. The more I get to know most people the more I wish I didn't.
I like my son. He's funny and sweet and generally well-behaved. After I had him and he got old enough I also realized that I stopped liking other people's kids. I have trained mine to be the kind of human being I like and can tolerate for extended periods of time. There is yelling involved but not as much as when I am around other people's kids and all of the yelling I do inside my head. Their kids haven't been trained by me, therefore, I usually don't like them.
I have spent several years trying to be nice and be in good moods for the benefit of other people. When you do that they treat you worse. I will still pretend to be nice, but just know that internally I am making fun of everyone, equally, and probably also working on a strong dislike for most of the public I have to associate with. I think what I really want to do is stop discriminating against my friends and family and just start getting angry at them all whenever I feel like it now. That way, when I decide to go ape shit on some unsuspecting stranger they can rest assured knowing I treated them like they were a part of my own beloved family. That's special.
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