You Bastard

I read a conversation on the internet between a couple of people the other night and they were talking about the "slow clap", a feature film darling. We're all familiar with the scene in any dramatic moment where someone starts the sloooow clap for our hero, the underdog. The movie they were discussing with great fondness was Lucas. Lucas was made in 1986 and has had several followers in the trademark slow clap. I considered listing them but that's not where I'm going with this so maybe another time.

When it happened in tonight's film it almost immediately ruined the movie for me. It was one of those cliche moments on celluloid that simply made me feel like I was going to vomit. I felt embarrassed that they went there. More embarrassed than when I just wrote "went there." Anyway, it made me think of all the other horrible moments watching other movies that make use of revolting cliches in dialogue or just the physical act of doing _____. You can fill in the blank. I did in the first paragraph with the sloooow clap.

The British like to say, "You bastard." Bastard is pronounced "baaastaad" in British. Well, that is the closest I could come to figuring out how to spell the British version. They beat that tiny two word phrase like a dead horse. Rent some quirky British movies and you will see for yourself. You can also choose to trust me; I love film. I'm fairly sure if Austin Powers said it, it's a British thing. On a side note, I am in no way a fan of Austin Powers, I was just making a point.

Moving on...anytime you watch a movie featuring black actors they, at one point, always refer to his or her "black ass." Ernie Hudson did it in Ghostbusters. The character was "Winston Zeddimore" and I couldn't find the exact quote but he refers to his ass as "my black ass." Not as funny as, "I have seen shit that'll turn you white", however, clearly written by a nerdy white guy that wishes he could talk about his white ass but knows deep down it would be totally lame if he did.

Those were just a few examples but if you have any you would like to share, the comment section is always open for interjection. Oh, and let's not forget the kids who we'd all secretly love to punch in the face; the kids that are anywhere from four and a half to ten years old that talk like a 30 year old film school grad. Sickening...

I Love Uggs!

ROAD RAGE

I spend a lot of time getting angry. My boyfriend alleges that I can't help it as it is a part of my heritage. I am Italian enough for him to consider me Italian. I think of myself as American but that is for another time. Cars have always been a huge source of rage for me. When I was in grade school, there was a car called the Eagle. I became so obsessed with my hatred for the Eagle that every time I was out in the car with my family I would count how many I saw that day. The hate came from a purely aesthetic standpoint; I thought it was the ugliest fucking car on the road and it really pissed me off that I had to look at them.

In high school, I transitioned my hate into a deeper, more socially acceptable kind of anger. Cadillacs were the most shameful cars on the road. I was smart enough to know it wasn't the car itself as much as the asshole behind the wheel. Every time I was pissed off in traffic because someone was committing a completely stupid or selfish violation it was always an asshole in a Cadillac. The Cadillac only has two or three demographics that actually purchase these cars so instead of singling any one group out I had to blame the Cadillac itself. I will say that any random person who is not a typical Cadillac driver could get into one and probably instantly turn into a puckered sphincter and immediately pull right into the middle of the dotted yellow lines and just hang the fuck out.

In the past few years, I decided to let go of the Cadillac issue I had and exchange it for the intense rage I feel towards the drivers of BMWs. Oh my God, these have to be the most self important, solipsistic pricks that exist. At least the assholes in their Cadillacs drove slow while endangering the lives of others. The BMWs, though, belong to the people who think it's really hip and cool to drive 90 miles per hour through a school zone because, well, because they can.

Ten Cars/Drivers That Should be Terminated

10. The Eagle (Nostalgic reasons only)
9. Soccer mom in minivan (We get it...you don't have sex with your husband anymore.)
8. Volkswagen microbus with save the environment stickers (You know you are not saving shit and you are the biggest hypocrite out there.)
7. Americans in American cars -- Post Bail-Out (You are a conformist asshole and you deserve the shitty health care that you most likely support.)
6. Any hatchback (There just so ugly.)
5. Any SUV knock-off resembling a box (You want an SUV while still being able to criticize people who drive SUVs. Your brain is a box...of cement.)
4. Cadillacs (Already Established)
3. All passengers of noted cars (You need to go to a meeting because you are enabling poor decision making.)
2. Moms in GIANT SUVs (You are a bitch and you drive like one. I would punch you in the face if I weren't so mellow.)
1. BMWs (You know who you are...fuck you.)

God Bless You All

When I was young, my mom was at a department store and she sneezed. A gentleman behind her said, "You better bless yourself because nobody else here is going to do it." When she told me the story later, I decided that I would bless her and every other lonely person out there whenever they sneezed. It doesn't take much energy so it is easy enough to do and it usually gets a pretty thankful response. People take sneezing very seriously.

A few years ago I met a girl from Africa and she couldn't believe people actually gave blessings for sneezes. We explained why we did it and she explained that they just say, "Excuse me." That made sense to me. We burp or cough and say "excuse me" so why not just do it after we sneeze? I kept on blessing anyway.

About a year after that, I met my boyfriend. He NEVER blesses. At first, I considered making the lack of blessing me after my near-death experience a deal breaker but I was smitten so that was absolutely not going to happen. It's been two years and he still doesn't say it and I really couldn't care less.

I no longer think it is necessary to bless every one I encounter. First of all, it feels good to sneeze. It feels good to poop and to have sex, yet we don't insist on blessing everyone after they do those things. Even if you weren't in agreement that it feels good, it is, at the least, a relief. If you really want to bless someone who had a near death experience, bless someone that just gave birth, bless someone who had to talk to my ex-boss and had to endure his breath, bless my ex's girlfriend.

Next, the person who is sneezing is usually kind of gross. They are emitting snots and/or germs into our airspace and, well, I don't really believe that they almost died by way of sneeze. I could see if one were to fall over or hit their head mid-sneeze; that might warrant a blessing.

This also brings up endurance. Have you ever tried blessing a person with allergies? Uuugh...I'd rather chew broken glass than go through that with someone in the middle of spring allergies. You could say it 20 times and who really wants to keep saying thank you over and over in the midst of feeling like their head is exploding? No one, that's who.

Third, and this might be last, unless you are a Rabbi or a Priest, I really don't see how any of us are even qualified to give blessings anyway. Don't argue "gesundheit" because that is German and Yiddish for "in good health." Wishing someone good health is not as bold as actually giving them God's blessing.

"Hey, I bid you good health!"

~OR~

"Hey, since God isn't here, I am going to bless you on his behalf."

See...two way different things. I will rest my case.

Cash Only?!

I walked into three different eating establishments today to get a few gyros after a long day at the Science Center. Science is everywhere! Anyway, I had about $15 in my account and I wanted to get lunch for my cousin so we tried a few places.

Eatery #1...I ordered the food and the woman said they didn't take debit cards. When I went to use the ATM it was increments of $20 only, plus the $1.75 fee from the business and my bank. For about a 30 second time period I willing to do it, just give away money during a recession. It felt worth it because I was buying lunch for someone else. Okay, so I tried and then I failed. I didn't have enough cash in my account. I told the people to stop making our lunch and we left.

We moved on to place #2, which was cash only again. I got pissed off. Don't worry, I wasn't mean to anyone, that's not my style. Instead, I bitched and moaned to myself for a little bit and then went somewhere that took debit cards. The best part is, I went home and grabbed some cash from my dresser and then went and picked up the food. I'm an asshole, I realize that, however, most of my actions I base on general principle so it always makes sense to me.

My beef with the cash only thing is that these "restaurants" are supposed to be there for a nice meal, convenience, and, as a patron, you are supposed to be taken care of. At least that's the way I think, but maybe that's because I was a waitress for 15 years...off and on.

I don't think I am going to support cash only businesses any longer. I don't think that as the consumer I should be responsible for paying the fee for the private ATM. That would be in exchange for the owner just paying their Visa/Mastercard bills because they are the business owner. Instead, these people want you to come in and pay for your meal/drinks, tip, and pay them a $2.00 ATM fee because they are cash only.

I have never minded paying for overpriced food and drinks because I always thought I was paying for the ambiance. What kind of ambiance is taking dirty money from a bulky ATM machine sitting next to someone eating their lunch and paying a fee for tacky business sense? Uuugh...that's it. You might as well bus your own table while you're at it. You are supporting and encouraging white trash. Enjoy!

People Are Stupid

So recently here in Pittsburgh we had the misfortune of a shooting spree. It was awful. A few people died and several more were injured. Very sad. Apparently, some lonely man who was socially awkward was pissed he couldn't pick up women so he decided to shoot them instead. He walked into the local gym and turned off the lights and unloaded on an aerobics class.

I am not going to get into how sad it is because it's pretty obvious that it's sad. No one really needs my commentary on grief.

Here is where it becomes irritating. Irritating to me, and disrespectful to the dead...and anyone who can hear...or read. I am a member of Facebook. Aaah, the Facebook family. What a bunch of assholes. A major disaster happened in our suburbs and every single person who owns a computer is posting their condolences and thoughts.

They are all telling each other how terrible it is that this happened and they cherish their life and family so much more today than yesterday. They are so grateful for life that instead of living it by spending time with their kids, parents, or friends or picking up a book and learning about some subject they have chosen to be ignorant about, they all are hovering in the dark over their computers.

My favorite are the people who claim they almost went to the gym that night. Oooh, you thought of going to the gym. Well, you didn't and you're alive and someone else is dead. Consider yourself a thief because you just stole the thunder of three women who are no longer alive. They were murdered and you are acting like you were one number off in the Powerball. You lucky duck, you.

Here's a news flash, jerks; we walk among murderers, rapists, child molesters, arsonists, all walks of life everyday so it really isn't a shock that you were in a room with a murderer. Leave the storytelling to the people who left the gym as he walked in, or the pregnant aerobics instructor who was shot in both shoulders. People are grieving and in shock, if you want to be respectful and were anywhere but that specific place where this happened, do everyone a favor and live your own life. Take your kids to the park, download some music, do anything but try and make it about you.