ROAD RAGE

I spend a lot of time getting angry. My boyfriend alleges that I can't help it as it is a part of my heritage. I am Italian enough for him to consider me Italian. I think of myself as American but that is for another time. Cars have always been a huge source of rage for me. When I was in grade school, there was a car called the Eagle. I became so obsessed with my hatred for the Eagle that every time I was out in the car with my family I would count how many I saw that day. The hate came from a purely aesthetic standpoint; I thought it was the ugliest fucking car on the road and it really pissed me off that I had to look at them.

In high school, I transitioned my hate into a deeper, more socially acceptable kind of anger. Cadillacs were the most shameful cars on the road. I was smart enough to know it wasn't the car itself as much as the asshole behind the wheel. Every time I was pissed off in traffic because someone was committing a completely stupid or selfish violation it was always an asshole in a Cadillac. The Cadillac only has two or three demographics that actually purchase these cars so instead of singling any one group out I had to blame the Cadillac itself. I will say that any random person who is not a typical Cadillac driver could get into one and probably instantly turn into a puckered sphincter and immediately pull right into the middle of the dotted yellow lines and just hang the fuck out.

In the past few years, I decided to let go of the Cadillac issue I had and exchange it for the intense rage I feel towards the drivers of BMWs. Oh my God, these have to be the most self important, solipsistic pricks that exist. At least the assholes in their Cadillacs drove slow while endangering the lives of others. The BMWs, though, belong to the people who think it's really hip and cool to drive 90 miles per hour through a school zone because, well, because they can.

Ten Cars/Drivers That Should be Terminated

10. The Eagle (Nostalgic reasons only)
9. Soccer mom in minivan (We get it...you don't have sex with your husband anymore.)
8. Volkswagen microbus with save the environment stickers (You know you are not saving shit and you are the biggest hypocrite out there.)
7. Americans in American cars -- Post Bail-Out (You are a conformist asshole and you deserve the shitty health care that you most likely support.)
6. Any hatchback (There just so ugly.)
5. Any SUV knock-off resembling a box (You want an SUV while still being able to criticize people who drive SUVs. Your brain is a box...of cement.)
4. Cadillacs (Already Established)
3. All passengers of noted cars (You need to go to a meeting because you are enabling poor decision making.)
2. Moms in GIANT SUVs (You are a bitch and you drive like one. I would punch you in the face if I weren't so mellow.)
1. BMWs (You know who you are...fuck you.)