Suburban Nightmare

Suburb Mom:  Hi.  I'm Kelley*.  I'm Samantha's* mom.

Me:  Hey.  I'm Wendy*.  Nice to meet you.

Suburban Mom:  I recognize you but I didn't know you had kids here.

Me:  (She probably didn't know about my kids because we've never spoken to each other before.)  Oh, yeah.  That one.  That one is mine.

SM:  Oh, he's cute.  I'm expecting another one.

Me and Mom #3:  Oh, congratulations!  That's great!  When are you due?

SM:  I'm due in April.  My husband is starting to travel for work and I'm so upset about it.  He is such a huge help.  I'm so lucky, I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Me:  Well, maybe he'll travel for a while and then he'll stop.  By then, you'll be so used to your routine when he's gone that you'll be disappointed he's not traveling.

SM:  So, do you have any more kids?

Other Mom:  No, but she wants five more.

Me:  Haha...no way!

SM:  (Shocked)  You don't want more?  Why not?

Me:  Because Max* is five now.  It's been too long.  Plus, I don't want to do the crying, the diapers, tired all the time, and, uuugh, the weight gain.  Consider me one and done.

OM:  One and done!  That's funny.

SM:  (To OM)  It was nice meeting you.  I'll see you later.

Since that day, SM has avoided me like the plague.  It's actually really entertaining to watch how hard she works at not walking too close for fear I might say "hi."  Don't worry, Kelley*, I won't.  I understand it's intimidating when young single moms are content with their children that they already have.  I need to quit scaring the moms of the suburbs.  I didn't realize I was a walking horror show.  Well, no, I did but I thought it had more to do with having nothing to wear.

I also thought it was funny how she offered up the news of her pregnancy EIGHT MONTHS BEFORE HER DUE DATE!  Then, there was the added pleasure of letting us in on how wonderful her husband is and how happy they are.  I don't normally consider it that odd, but since she is a total stranger...it's really fuckin' weird. I know I say the wrong thing in the majority of conversations I have, however, I'm not taking blame for this debacle.

It's going to take more than a pair of Uggs and faux self-importance to fit in with this crowd.

* -- indicates name changes.  I'm really into protecting people's privacy.  Or I don't remember names well.  It's up to you what to believe.